May 08, 2016

Man Talk: The Sausage Pinch

Sandra Dee, best known for her role as Gidget, knew how to get dolled up and exude classy youthful glamour.

The Den has noticed that the fair sex could use a bit of guidance when negotiating the wheels of justice.  The one area of real concern is known colloquially by police officers as The Sausage Pinch....which is not a type of Fire Island Foreplay by the way. A Sausage Pinch is just a low-level arrest that includes a baloney sandwich and night on cold steel. GSL has had 3 of those baloney sandwiches and nights on cold steel (the most recent about 25 years ago) so we feel duty bound to share our expertise.

Are you familiar with New York/Palm Beach Socialite Tinsley Mortimer?

Here is Tinsley Mortimer with her trademark cross ankle pose....long line at the loo? The Den gives Ms. Mortimer high marks but we know who does better...

Tinz, listen sweetheart, this is what casual elegance looks demonstrated with the eponymous MaiTai Shim

Not one to rest on her laurels, MaiTai is constantly expanding her repertoire with this luscious lefty move here.
As you can see, a bit less pronounced so we refer to this as The MaiTai Southpaw Skim
btw, I just had my Mother's Day phone call with Mum dressing for church in her new Rose Stole...
 a girl from Mansfield, Ohio never outgrows the thrill of finding a parcel on her doorstep from France
thanks MaiTai, Mum loves it!

*Nota Bene: The Den does not accept free or discounted merchandise not afforded others and are proud
to be full paying customers of The Magnificent MaiTai.

The Tinz has had a rough couple of months. Here she is in the Palm Beach Pokey.

Here is the mugshot from Tinsley's Sausage Pinch...very unpleasant experience obviously, but not the end of the world.
You'll be fine Tinsley and now The Den will be sponsoring Sausage Pinch Workshops to instill better coping skills during those trying circumstances.

In a Den Exclusive, I'll share a few dets on GSL's first sausage pinch. This happened around 1986/87 with GSL presiding over a Rat Packish group of guys with weekends ring-a-ding-dinging in at The GSL Compound Friday evening with gas grill warming slabs of babybacks and Bar at full battle stations. A young divorcee had just moved in next door and was desperately trying to ingratiate herself into our group in general and GSL in particular but made 2 deal breaking tactical blunders.
I immediately nicknamed this eager interloper 'Gidget' based on a vague, but quite flattering resemblance, which she absolutely loved and began referring to herself as 'Gidget' but her slim, top heavy figure couldn't support a 3rd person. On the first night of our acquaintance, she had an indiscreet tryst with GSL's favorite whipping boy.

Our Gidget crashed GSL Friday Night Cocktail Hours in tube dress, big hair, and FMPs that
had plenty of 'Walk of Shame' miles.

I don't know when this happened but my Estella and Gidget crossed paths and, predictably, it didn't go well. Gidget saw Estella as a rival and Estella saw Gidget as a cheap floozy.

GSL's Gidget learned the same lesson of many a Vegas Showgirl. You don't get to be Frank's main squeeze by sleeping with Joey Bishop and badmouthing Ava Gardner.

GSL was trying to gently keep Gidget at a distance but she was relentless and hitched a ride with us one night when making our rounds at local night spots.  At one club, Gidget got herself into a catfight with a bouncer's girlfriend and was promptly tossed out but she didn't go quietly even when the cops came. Johnny Babes, informed me Gidget had been arrested and was being taken to the downtown lockup and since she rode with us, we felt obliged to go spring her.

The Man In Black knew a thing or 2 about Jailhouse Accoustics

Upon arrival (Johnny Babes, as always, driving with GSL riding shotgun) at the downtown lockup, a very well lubricated GSL approaches the graveyard shift magistrate and can see back in the processing area, as Gidget is being fingerprinted while crying like a teething toddler in Wal-Mart.  GSL started howling with laughter at this spectacle and the no-nonsense magistrate said "Get the hell out of here before I lock you up too!" so GSL leaves via a side door he failed to notice was marked: DO NOT ENTER RESTRICTED ACCESS and then discovered he was locked out when trying to reenter. GSL put his pie-eyed mug up against the little window and started making faces at the enraged magistrate who didn't take kindly to having smart ass white boys creating a circus atmosphere in her workplace. She called in some muscle to have GSL taken into custody.

GSL also did a couple of 1 Night Engagements at the Cook County Jail in 1988 and 1991 and we hear a couple of bootleg recordings are fetching a  pretty penny on ebay.
Above: BB King with Lucille.

GSL had long heard about the wonders of Jailhouse acoustics. After being printed and mugshot, GSL, who suspected he had the makings of a top shelf Drunk-Tank Crooner, started wowing the assemblage with a medley of tunes that included everything from Tin Pan Alley to Negro Spirituals. Johnny Babes had used all our ready cash to spring Gidget and couldn't even muster a quarter to payphone my father so called him collect at 3am and as 'Sire to GSL' later recalled, with retellings of the story that continue to this day, when roused out of bed with Johnny Babes curious appeal, he overheard familiar echos as his son brought the house down with a stirring rendition of Nobody Knows.

Below is a recording of the same Tin Pan Alley ditty GSL dazzled the drunk tank with. That magistrate wasn't amused when I requested she fetch me a top hat and cane.

GSL wishes every devoted mother a festive and delightful Mother's Day!

Mother's Day 1967. Forty-nine years later, those 2 boys (DRL left/GSL right) gave their mum a nice rose stole for Mother's Day..


  1. There was absolutely never a dull moment and always a story worth blushing over on any weekend morning. I don't know anyone who could get into more mischief than GSL could in the late 80's and 90's. I just loved to hear the unflattering details of the previous nights "miss right now". In the rare occasion that he ended up empty-handed he would assure me that "he went down swinging". GSL was full throttle back in those days but much to his credit his exploits, as sophomoric as they were, always maintained a charm to them which I appreciate.

    1. I did like handicapping a hypothetical full on hair-pulling Joan Collins vs LInda Evans catfight. After teaching you how to execute head feints and throw combinations, you would have crushed her...just like that Broyhill Heiress who wanted to throttle you in that Spa...the Estella 'tone' could incite Tibetan Monks into a Mad Max remake.

    2. ...that Gidget told me she was too quick for you but she wasn't in any sense of the word...wouldn't have lasted 5 seconds before boohooing like that same white trash toddler in Wal-Mart

  2. Oh I'm sure she wouldn't have lasted. The one thing I can brag on myself about is the highest of pain thresholds. I feel NOTHING when adrenaline is flowing and I can surpress pain as needed. Crying, cowering and complaining doesn't make it hurt less does it? Better to just get on with what needs doing, no matter what.

    1. That pain threshold may be high but you have an itchy hair-pin trigger finger whenever GSL pays you no mind.

    2. I just added the song, I kept taunting the magistrate with...she wanted to KILL me.

  3. A very happy belated Mother's Day to your Mum! So thrilled she loves the rose stole from her boys, thank you so much again. Thank you also for including my pictures, it is always a special treat to feature in your witty and highly entertaining posts. Have a fabulous week ahead xx

    1. Thank you MaiTai. As we've said before, The Den loves a woman of enterprise and resource.

  4. GSL even though you are clearly a Rascal I'm very happy you've been wonderful to your Mum with such a lovely gift. Those stoles are so pretty, well done.
    Not sure who this Tinsley person is, interesting name though. The mug shot does give her character a sordid air - without knowing a thing about her.

    1. My Dear Dani,
      As your many devoted followers can attest, 'Rascal' is a much coveted term of endearment that I'll eagerly embrace.
      Tinsley Mortimer has for well over a decade aggressively sought Kardashian level fame that even included a short-lived reality show. She descends from Virginia's oldest and most celebrated families (to include Thomas Jefferson) and her recent sausage pinch was given International coverage on the front page of online Daily Mail or else I wouldn't have mentioned it. The other party in this unfortunate ordeal is her occasional boyfriend, the decade younger scion to a Multi-Billion Dollar Fortune. Ms Mortimer has recently turned 40 which I think has contributed to some of her bad judgement.